Silent Monsters

With virtually no symptoms except for one weekend of odd headaches nine months prior, silent monsters had been growing.

I had just been on vacation climbing mountains, just built a house for my 2-year-old son, and just cycled around town on my bike. That Monday morning, I had just driven my son to daycare, just ran three miles, and just seized in my living room upon arriving home from running.  By the grace of God and those who watch over me, my husband was home and came downstairs the moment I started to seize.

“Did anyone tell you about the tumors in your head?” they said in the ER. “There’s three – no, actually four – wait, there’s seven.” Before I understood through post-seizure fog what a meningioma was, my future flashed before my eyes.

I had two craniotomies within four months, in mid to late 2023. Aside from having my son, I never before spent a night in the hospital. Never needed medical treatment. And here I was, a healthy and happy 34-year-old with 7 brain tumors. My whole life changed, and yet, it didn’t. I was still me. Such a dichotomy. 
After a five-week recovery, I returned to work both times. I looked “the same.” I acted “the same.” I was running 12 miles a weekend. Opening a business. If I didn’t tell you, you’d have no idea seven silent monsters used to live in my head.

That is both a blessing and a curse. But where do I fit in? I joined this community of brain tumor survivors, but I didn’t feel worthy. I “bounced back.” But the mental and emotional toll on myself and my husband has been more lengthy.

The tumors are gone, but they COULD come back. The tumors are gone, but you probably should NOT get pregnant again. The tumors are gone, but you SHOULD probably get radiation. No one will or can tell me exactly what to do, and I have come to terms with that. I continue to make choices that feel right for me and, secondly, my family.

I write this on the eve of my planning session for radiation therapy. I am (mostly) at peace with what has happened these past nine months and am hopeful for my future. I want to take control of my path moving forward because, on July 24, 2023, my life slipped from my control completely. Having choice is so important. I continue to live each day grateful, with a positive but realistic attitude. I am now happy to be a part of this community I never asked to join.

2025 Update:

With a quick fast forward to now – early 2025 – my 30 radiation treatments are complete. I made it through with only the loss of 1/3 of the hair on my head. JUST hair loss was quite a blessing. I know the toll radiation can take on a person. I figured the rest of the year would be quiet — finally.  

Until on October 1, we found out we were unexpectedly pregnant with the pregnancy we PROBABLY shouldn’t have. The rollercoaster of emotions that just came to a stop had again begun rolling. I am grateful for my brain tumor team as they reassured me things would be okay and congratulated us on the second baby we always wanted but decided not to have. I continue to put faith and trust in myself and those people who surround me professionally and personally. My health is good! The baby is good!

Little Sister is due to arrive in June 2025.

TAGGED WITH: meningioma

Opinions expressed within this story belong solely to the author and do not reflect the views or opinions of the National Brain Tumor Society.