Scared

I was diagnosed with a meningioma brain tumor on my optic nerve in August 2019. I had my first craniotomy in December of that year. I learned a lot and did a lot of thinking after that surgery. I choose to look at the bright side of things instead of the bad. I became (I hope) a better person. 

Then, in September of 2023, I had a transient ischemic attack (TIA), and after quite a bit of testing, the doctors found that I have two more meningioma tumors. I have another craniotomy scheduled for January 2024, with another one yet to be scheduled because of the location of the second tumor. I’m scared and worried that this time it won’t be so easy to bounce back.

See, I started a new job in August 2023, and my new employer has advised that I don’t qualify for FMLA leave. So I’m scared that I’m putting my family (my husband and I) in a bad place. My children are grown and have families of their own. I desperately want to make sure everyone is okay.

I know logically that I’m luckier than most in my situation (no one used the “C” word), so I should be okay. But it doesn’t make it any easier. And I don’t want sympathy or pity. I know I can get through this; I’m just scared. Does that make me a coward? I hope not.

I have been with my husband for over 30 years. He was in the Navy for 20 of those years and retired with a few setbacks (post-traumatic stress disorder), but we made it through. He even went back to school and graduated from college at 52 years old and is now working at a job he loves. I’ve always been the support system in our household. He is supportive (tries to be), and I get a lot of “you’ll be fine.” It’s just hard to stay positive when you’re in pain and literally seeing double. The tumor that the doctors going after is pushing my eye sideways in the socket, so without a patch over my eye, I see double.

I’m not very good at telling things about myself. Ask me about the grandbabies, my kids, or my husband, and we are golden. Ask me about myself, and you don’t get a lot. I was a housewife turned Marine dispatcher. So I can clean the house, take care of kids, and tell grown men to shift barges. My life has been steady, to say the least. Some adventure but mostly just a good boring and steady life. But hey, where would this world be without steady and boring?

TAGGED WITH: meningioma, bran tumor

Opinions expressed within this story belong solely to the author and do not reflect the views or opinions of the National Brain Tumor Society.